So this is Christmas.

I woke up last night again drenched in sweat, tears running down my face, gasping for air. The dreams keep coming back. The doubts haunt me. The half remembered dreams or nightmares of a long existence. Perhaps writing these things down will exorcise these memories. Robin seems to think it may do some good, though what “good” means has been the question. How can anyone possibly understand?

It has been one of the hard parts of becoming human, the guilt. Regret for actions has never been an issue. My purpose was always clear to me to enact the will of my Father as he deemed fit. Though my clarity of purpose was linked to my fall I was too assured of my place and too willing to enact it, “overzealous” was the word used to describe my behavior. This is part of my penance and punishment, to be wracked with doubt and guilt. It never occurred to me that this is the price of freewill. To find your actions and thoughts muddied by a conscience even when you know what you are doing is the only action.

This time of year is strange to me. The way humanity celebrates of the birth of the Lord. It seems to be more of a celebration of a fat man in a red suit where people spend themselves into bankruptcy. If they really wanted to celebrate his day of birth they are off by about 2 months. This reminds me of the pagan orgies that happened during the winter solstice, though I get strange looks when I point this out. So I abide by what Robin chides me to do and leave things unsaid. People spend so much time obfuscating what they do and their reasons for doing it that it is difficult to understand if they actually believe in what they are saying because they believe in their own lie. Maybe that is why I am so terrible at small talk.

There is a part of this holiday that gives me pause. Though I have Robin's company at times and Vincent visits periodically. It has only makes me more keenly aware of my isolation. My father hasn't spoken to me since that Halloween night. Though I pray for an answer, his continued silence makes me feel that I have failed him in such a profound manner that I am forever banished. Is this what hell is like? Full of emptiness and silence.